Wild Self Love

Sizzling, freezing, worrying, fearing, mumbling, griefing, mourning. Feeling denial, greed and anger. Walls, thick and high and dangerous. Needles that sting and prick.

Lovers.

It is radical, fierce, calm yet strong as a pulsating mama bear wrapping her arms around us.

It is a choice, from moment to moment it is willingness to face things that are hurting inside of us. And to put our own two arms around ourselves to keep us still with a motherly unconditional, compassionate love.

Love, it is to place down our boundaries. Here I am and there you are (the world, work, friends, lover, passions, family). It is being in a continuous communication with all of life. Are you communicating from a place of being loving towards yourself and your needs or are you suppressing and hiding your truth and your heart's desires? Life is a mirror, constantly showing us ourselves, repeating the words and thoughts inside our heads.

To love yourself is not selfish, it is selfless.

To be a gardener who notices her garden`s needs from season to season. Who is fully committed to the smallest of details, feelings, desires, inspirations, needs.

It is living in a flow, following what is uplifting and excites you in your belly. You follow that, you come closer to it, you keep being curious and surrendering and letting go what is no longer serving you. Moment to moment. It is living as a part of the cycles, stretching your wings out of the cocoon and backwards again. Constantly pulsating life (soul) discovering being in a body. It is trust, that you are always carried, held if you choose to. Because yes, it can only be your own choice, as the creator of your life.

Same happens in a relationship with oneself. Honesty is always the most graceful (although bitter) medicine. Yelling from the top of your lungs in the middle of the forest so that you lose your voice for days. Intimate, sacred adventures behind closed doors that lead to your own inner garden. Crying, holding yourself, embracing yourself, rolling around with yourself on the floor, endless ceremonies in silence, reflecting, writing, irrationally sweet spontaneous trips to the woods, calling your sisters, baking pies in the kitchen. Burning your old diaries, writing love letters to yourself. Masturbating. Playful dances, trampling your legs, stretching, attending therapy, going to the sauna, jumping into the cold water, letting go, giving your old clothes away.

This journey of taking out the crystals from your wounds insists you to look back. Holding yourself, understanding your journey and fierce self compassion, the courage of a lion to lick your wounds, make your fur shiny, straighten your back and keep on walking on the path of your inner sun. Alone or together. But always married to yourself, til death. Because that is the only truth, the only relationship that lasts your entire life. In romance and in playful games, you are your own beloved, forever.

And we women, know how to offer that to ourselves. How to be the king for our own inner queen. To be a strong foundation for our own inner river of flow and feminine essence. Self love is speaking about your desires as the most sacred part of your sexual expression. It is taking yourself out to datenights, lighting candles and dancing alone like a blazing flame when the rest of the town is asleep. It is also a discipline. To support yourself with practises and routines that bring you back to your body’s garden and your truth.

“Love yourself first.

Turn your inner light toward yourself first, become a light unto yourself first. Let the light dispel your inner darkness, your inner weakness. Let love make you a tremendous power, a spiritual force.

And once your soul is powerful, you know you are not going to die, you are immortal, you are eternal. Love gives you the first insight into eternity.

Love is the only experience that transcends time, that’s why lovers are not afraid of death. Love knows no death. A single moment of love is more than a whole eternity.”

-Osho“Love, Freedom and Aloneness”

The act of blooming, sweetly rising into love, it is the gown that your body wears. In your creation, In your words, in your eyes that melt into the reddish tone of the sky, blooming apple tree blossoms.

You are the divine masked in the meeting of the polarities. Pain and pleasure, an endless circle in which you awaken again and again. 

And you accept your own desire to be desired, your own beauty to be admired, your own excellence to be praised for. 

The way that love expresses itself through you is not black or white, it is all of it.

The scream of anger and the reddish tone on your face, plates shattered against the ground and soft graceful dance steps, eyes full of worry and sadness, all of it flowing as tears when life seemingly abandons us. And the excitement of meeting another pair of eyes that enchant their way into your heart.

It is a filthy job. Love is dirty in the moments when we want to run away from our shadows, from falling into a hysterical cry or anger that roars out from our stomach.

The biggest changes on the fundamental level in our human nature happen when we accept our contrasts. In vulnerability. When you choose to open yourself up when it is the most frightening, because you are scared of being rejected. To speak your truth when it is most painful. To stay still when all you know to do is run away. These are the moments when we make the choice to live as love.

written by Eliisa Mölder
photos by Gabriela Urm